Sacrifice

Driving home from New York today I had quite a few hours to think.  I began to think about the course my life has taken, my decisions, my behaviors.  The way things have changed from a few years ago until now, the woman I have become.  I still have so much I want to do and I never want to look back and think, "I could have done more, I could have tried harder."  So with all that being said I want everyone to take a second to really think about this...what are you willing sacrifice?  Whom or what are you willing to make these sacrifices for?

Are you willing to sacrifice sleep, time spent with family or friends, the chance to make money even if you DON'T love what you're doing.  Are you willing to rise before the sun?  Are you willing to sacrifice all that you are now for all that you could become.  If the answer is yes, then do whatever it takes.  If the answer is no, well you should re-evaluate what you care about.  Is there someone or something in your life that you cannot live without?  Is it a lifestyle, a hobby, a place?  Life is all about taking chances.  Life is all about making mistakes but it's also about learning from them and growing.  

I've learned that if something means a lot to you (can't breathe, can't eat, can't live without it) then you will put in the time, put in the effort.  Most of the time you'll do more than what was asked of you.  While I was in prep for New England's back in November I wanted to be the best I could be so I followed my plan, did my fasted cardio, lifted as heavy as I could, and dealt with the hunger pains.  I even did more cardio at times, I practiced my posing routine everyday, but to be honest...I loved every single second of it.  Why?  Because it's my passion, my life, my heartbeat.  It's what keeps me going when I feel like giving up.  I have sacrificed a lot to be where I am today; lost friends, have been told I will never be "somebody" in this sport, I'be picked up extra shifts at work to pay for my supplements and suit.  Even during the toughest days I still wouldn't change anything.  This is exactly where I belong; I've arrived.


It all starts with a dream.  Then comes the plan.  It can be extremely over-whelming to begin at square one and realize you have to get all the way to the finish line.  So my advice to you is start small.  Pick one thing to focus on at a time.  For example, it you want to loose 10 pounds by June then set weekly goals for yourself to reach every time.  It can be simple like lose a pound each week or eat 5 balanced meals a day.  Once you pick your goal, begin your plan.  How are you going to reach this goal? What do you need to do to be successful?  Is it meal prep?  Making it to the gym more often?  Adding in an extra day of cardio?  Or is it completely unrelated to fitness?  Do you need/want to save more money?  Do you want to be more confident?  Stop letting people treat you poorly?  Whatever your goal is, make a plan, and decide what are you willing to sacrifice to be successful.  

It's not easy, it won't always be fun, but if it means something to you, you'll do it.  Everybody wants to be successful, but not everyone is willing to put in the time, make the effort, or make the SACRIFICE.  I've said this before and I'm sure you'll hear me say it again but nothing ever comes easy, you have to do the work in order to reap the benefits.  There are days where I literally have to breathe and count to 10 when I start to get overwhelmed.  My anxiety usually kicks in and even a panic attack if I don't relax.  However, would I change it? Hell no.  If I could take the easy way, skip the obstacles, the detours, the bumps in the road, would I?  Hell no.  Pressure makes diamonds my loves.  Start now, not tomorrow!  Stay strong and lift on!

xoxo me

Strong Foundation

My dad owns his own real estate development company and has been building houses and businesses since he was in his twenties.  He is very successful, extremely hard working, and although he acts like a 5 year old, he has given me some of the best advice of my life.  Since he is a builder at heart he used this metaphor when I came to him for advice about how to stay strong when nothing else seems to be going right.  We were sitting in our front yard, it was mid-spring time and the grass was green, the sun was shining, and we had just finished mulching the yard together.  I had been having problems at school, my anxiety was at an all time high, and I needed his comfort.  "Dad, how do you stay so strong when all you want to do is cry?"  He looked at me and said, "You build a strong foundation."  At first I didn't understand but as I thought about it, it became clear.  One must stand by their morals, listen to their heart, and depend on their loved ones for support.  A building will crumble if the foundation isn't sturdy.

It has taken me YEARS to do my best at coping with my anxiety and my insecurities BUT I still struggle!  It is a daily battle but my dad was right; a strong foundation comes from within and it comes with time.  I can say with certainty and honesty that I would not be here today without the love and constant support from my family.  I have lost some friends along the way but I have met many more during this crazy journey; ones that accept me and my lifestyle.  It hasn't been easy and I'm sure I'll have more detours and bumps in the road but it's just that...a bump.  You will get through it.  I know that right now you feel as though there is NO hope, you have NO faith, and you want nothing more than to give up but each day is a new day.  If you are lucky enough to wake-up every morning, be thankful.  If you are lucky enough to tell your loved ones how much they mean to you, be thankful.  It's the little things in life that mean the most.  

Here are a few things that have helped me become stronger/better:

1. Change your thinking.  This is by far the MOST important tip I could ever give someone.  It isn't always easy but it is a life changer.  A few months ago I was miserable, sullen, angry, depressed but after getting a MUCH needed kick in the ass from someone very close to me, I realized I needed to change my ways or I will look back at my life and think, "I wasted it."  The next time you don't want to go to work, be thankful you have a job.  When you don't want to go to the grocery store or meal prep, be happy you have enough money to buy food.  When you don't want to go to school or study, be happy you have the opportunity to get an education.  Change your thinking and you'll change your life, I guarantee.  

2. Talk.  Express yourself when you are unhappy, upset, angry etc.  No one can read your mind.  If you need help, ask for it.  If you want to vent, do it.  You'll feel much better after you do.  Keeping things bottled up is never good and usually results in a mental breakdown or a verbal explosion (or both)

3. Make goals/to-do lists.  Keep yourself busy and on-track by setting goals and making to-do lists.  I have a million things always going on in my head so I have to write them down on post-its and put them in places I'll see them.  Also, having goals like my bodybuilding competitions or dance recitals help keep me on track when I have those days when I'm feeling unmotivated.  

4. Stay focused.  It's easy to get off track or overwhelmed but if you stay consistent and work on the most important/vital things first you'll feel so much better.  I vow that I will never let "I gave up" to be a part of my vocabulary and you shouldn't either!

Life isn't always sunshine & rainbows.  Unexpected things happen, you make mistakes, you get hurt, and you sometimes get knocked down but in the end it's all about how you stood back up and kept going.  Foundations get cracks but if treated right and strengthened they will hold strong.  If I can do it, so can you!  xoxo

Unspoken

Most of my posts are fitness related or ways to help people get motivated but this time I've decided to share a little bit more about me.  Besides struggling with an Eating Disorder for 6 years I've battled depression and anxiety since I was 3.  I had separation anxiety, death anxiety, and panic attacks.  I've had months where I did nothing but sleep and cry.  I've had days where I don't eat due to my nerves and nothing can snap me out of my "funk."  I was born with this, it's a chemical imbalance and it's something I have to work at everyday.  There are still good days and bad days but for the most part I'm doing much better.  I wanted to share this for a few reasons: 1. I want to share how I deal with my depression and panic attacks 2. I feel as though mental illness and depression are topics no one wants to talk about.  People who suffer from depression are labeled "crazy" when in fact that is untrue 3. I just want people to know that it's okay to be sad and upset.  It's okay to feel damaged or broken.  

I started going to therapy when I was 5 to try and figure out why I was having such a hard time leaving my mom's side.  My preschool and Kindergarten teachers used to have to pry me from my mom's leg as she made a run for the door.  In my head I thought she was going to leave me and never come back.  I thought if I wasn't there to protect her something bad would happen to her.  After overcoming that obstacle I began dealing with death anxiety.  I was terrified to go to sleep at night because I thought I was going to stop breathing.  I thought I would never wake up and be able to see my family again.  So I became an insomniac.  I would stay awake all night, play in my room, organize the spice drawer in the kitchen, clean things, organize my books and clothes, and sometimes sneak down stairs and watch "Grease."  I didn't feel safe unless someone was pressed up against me holding me; to make sure I was still breathing. 

Soon panic attacks kicked in and it all began spiraling out of control.  I was 13 when I had my first full blown panic attack.  It was awful.  Indescribable; the type of fear that washes over you.  Not being able to calm down or control yourself.  Your mind racing full speed, your heart pounding in your chest, you feel as though you can't breathe.  Completely immersed in the anxiety, drowning in your own fears.  Panic attacks became apart of my daily routine for about 2 years.  No lie, I had about 10 to 13 panic attacks a day.  I cried in class, didn't eat, and the only time I slept was when my mom gave me Benadryl.  My therapists suggested I start taking medication but I was scared.  I didn't want to be dependent on it for the rest of my life.  I didn't want to live my life in a fog but I finally gave in.  I couldn't spend the rest of my life being too scared to live it.  I continued therapy and slowly became better at opening up about my feelings and my thoughts.  My dad was a huge help because he too struggled with depression and anxiety.  He told me I wasn't crazy, I was normal but my brain worked differently then other's.  Being different is never a bad thing, you just have to learn how to accept it, embrace it. and work with it.

For me some of the biggest things that helped me when I was having a really hard time were:

1. Writing in my journal and working on my poetry.  I love to write and it's a great way for me to get everything out.  Sometimes saying things out loud is hard for me so writing them down is easier.  I can say whatever I want on paper and just let go!  I don't have to worry about what people will think because my journal is MY journal.

2. Music.  Listening to music always calms me down.  I pick songs that "speak" to me or that make me want to get up and dance.  Songs that bring back good memories and make me smile instantly with just hearing them.

3. Exercise.  Oye this is a HUGE one for me!  Even on the days where I want to just sleep forever I make myself get out of bed and get my ass to the gym or to dance.  It's proven that exercise and just moving around produce endorphin's which are the feel good chemical in our brains.  Even if I just go to the gym for an hour or punch the bag...it helps SO much.  Get moving!

4. Some people aren't big into therapy (I'm not really either) but for others it helps tremendously.  It's really hard for me to open up about things but I know I can always talk to my family because let's be honest...they're stuck with my crazy ass haha.  But seriously, talking does help.  Even if you just vent for a few minuets, try it!

5. Distractions like movies or my favorite TV shows help take my mind of whatever I'm worrying about for a little while.  Other distractions for me are going for drives, walks outside in the spring/summer, drawing (even though I suck), and hanging out with my family and friends.

6. Prayer.  I wasn't brought up religious, never really went to church (a few times) but once I found God and allowed him to be in my life amazing things started happening.  I put it in his hands and asked for his guidance, for his help, and for his unconditional love.  I trust him and his plans for me.  Everything happens for a reason.  Let him work.

7. Okay this one might be kinda weird for some but I LOVE cleaning and organizing when I'm anxious.  It helps me unwind and I always feel so much better when I de-clutter my room/home and my mind.

Depression is common, more common than you think.  It's real, it's not a joke, and it's NOT something people can turn off.  Trust me, anyone who struggles with this wishes with their entire being they could shut it off whenever they wanted or make it disappear but we can't.  We can work at challenging our thoughts, staying positive as much as possible, and doing our best everyday.  Don't be ashamed of your struggles, don't be embarrassed, and never be sorry.  Remember it's okay to not be okay sometimes.  The best thing you can do is work through it, find the good things, and breathe.  Stay strong my loves xoxo