Blinders

It’s easy to get wrapped in the hustle and bustle of life and it’s even easier to start comparing yourself to other people.  Everyone has their moments when they start to doubt themselves; when they start looking around the room comparing themselves to this person or that person.  Don’t be ashamed because you’re not alone!  I have become much more aware of my thoughts and even realizing when I start to feel self-conscious.  It took me a while but I have learned to change those negative thoughts.  You want to know how I did it?  Keep reading and you’ll find out J

1. Realizing & accepting you can’t be the best at everything

This may sound harsh but I don’t mean it that way at all.  I personally have always been super competitive whether it was family game night or a championship soccer game; I was there to win.  I always want to be the best at everything but this is not a reasonable expectation for myself, or anyone for that matter.  Sure it would be cool to be able to play soccer like Mia Hamm, ballet dance like Misty Copeland, CrossFit like Brooke Ence, and bake like Betty Crocker but that isn’t realistic.  Let’s think about this, if we really were good at EVERYTHING then we wouldn’t be proud of our accomplishments or realize our strengths.  We would take things for granted and that’s no fun.

2. Mastering your mind

This not an easy task but it’s a necessary one.  If you’re like me then you have a very black and white way of thinking.  For example, my dad got me into sports at a young age.  He taught me how to throw a baseball/football, how to kick a soccer ball, and how to shoot baskets.  Whenever we would play baseball I would always want to be the pitcher and never the hitter.  Why?  Because I wasn’t great at it.  Instead of trying to become better or just trying in general, I automatically labeled it as a weakness of mine.  I would get so frustrated at myself I would cry.  I kept telling myself how terrible I was, how badly I sucked.  I let those thoughts crash down on me over and over again.  I was downright mean to myself.  Looking back at this situation I let my thoughts and my mind get the best of me.  I let them control me.  Instead of accepting that I wasn’t great at hitting, taking a deep breath, and just having fun I refused to play and beat myself up over it.  Mastering those thoughts and putting a positive spin on them is more than half the battle.

3. Put on your blinders

Everyone needs a pair of handy-dandy blinders.  What are blinders you ask?  They are invisible “googles” that help you focus on yourself and only yourself.  It’s become a lot more difficult over the past 5 to 10 years to do this due to technology.  Just logging on to social media you’re bombarded with pictures of people ranging from your grandma to chiseled bodybuilders or athletes.  It’s hard to be nice to yourself when society is telling you “you aren’t good enough.”  What did I do to combat this?  I deactivated my Facebook for 4 months this past spring and stopped using my Instagram account.  I stopped scrolling through pictures on the internet and didn’t buy any bullshit, airbrushed magazines.  I focused on me.  I recently had to practice this tool during one of my CrossFit classes a few weeks ago.  I was hyper-focused on being the best in the class that I didn’t enjoy myself during the workout.  I did this for about two weeks before I snapped out of it.  I told myself, “Tori stop comparing how much weight people are moving, stop worrying about beating the person next to you, and focus on YOU!”  I picked the weight that I could do and focused on beating the clock.  I stopped caring if I was the strongest person in the room and only concerned myself with being stronger than I was yesterday. 

It isn’t easy and I still have bad days but they are few and far between.  Some people call it selfish being so concerned with myself but I look at it this way…I’m the only self I have so why not be the happiest, healthiest, and most badass I can be!  It’s called self-love for a reason.  Stay strong & keep those blinders on!

xoxo me

F Fad Diets

One of my “guilty” pleasures is Pinterest.  I absolutely love it!  I haven’t been on in quite a few months but tonight I decided to log on while I was waiting for my Paleo chocolate zucchini bread to finish baking (yum!) I was scrolling down the page on the news feed, looking at pictures, funny memes, inspirational quotes and then BAM a caption that caught my eye and not in a good way.  The title of the post was “How to Naturally Lose 10 Pounds in 2 Weeks” I’m sorry but 1. That’s BULLSHIT 2. That is so unhealthy for your body and 3. If anyone does believe that crap, they won’t be able to maintain that weight loss for more than a few days; that’s if they get that far.  Anything that promises a quick fix never works.  If that wasn’t bad enough I then saw another caption that read, “7 Day 1,000 Calorie Meal Plan.”  Okay, some people may need to eat 1,000 calories a day due to their height, weight or metabolism BUT no one should ever just assume they need to only eat 1,000 calories unless directed by a doctor or nutritionist.  If you’ve ever tried one of these fad diets, juice cleanses etc. guess what?  You got punk’d but the good news is, you aren’t alone.

I believed in these taboo traps for a long time and it got me nowhere.  Not only was I tired, hungry, and cranky but I still hated my body.  I would follow the “diet” for a week or so and then be so fed up and ravenous that I would binge eat.  No joke, I ate an entire package of Chips Ahoy cookies in one night.  I felt disgusted by myself.  I cried for hours and hours afterwards.  I punished myself the next few days by running on the treadmill for 90 minutes in full sweats just so I could pretend that never happened.  I felt pathetic and yet again, I was back at square one.  The creators of these fad diets know that people can’t follow them so they already have a guarantee you’re going to buy it again, another cleanse, another fat loss pill, another lettuce only diet. 

It all changed for me when I stopped buying into this bogus advice and started eating and working out for ME!  I wrote an article a few weeks back about how much damage I had done to my body over the years from 1. Not eating enough 2. Yo-yo dieting and 3. Over-exercising.  It’s incredible how smart the human body is and guess what?!  It will tell you just what you need!  And NO it doesn’t need another pill or 100 calorie meal plan.  It needs NUTRIENTS.  Your body needs macro-nutrients (carbs, fats and proteins) for energy and it needs all the micro-nutrients (vitamins and minerals) for bodily functions.  Without both of these your body is going to be out of whack. 

I tried for a long time to be my own solution but after coming out of a small relapse with my Anorexia this past fall and dealing with unknown territory, Adrenal Gland Fatigue, I decided I needed help.  I did some research and found an amazing sports nutritionist.  I’m going to call him Magic Mike, not for his dance moves but for his knowledge in nutrition, specifically Adrenal Gland Fatigue.  I was beside myself.  I thought I was doing all the right things for my body.  I was exercising 7 days a week, doing cardio for 30-40 mins every day after lifting, eating a low carb high protein diet but I wasn’t.  I was just adding more fuel to the fire.  I’ve been working with Magic Mike for about 2 months now and I have never felt this good!  My strength is increasing, my body composition is changing (less body fat and more muscle mass), I’m sleeping better, and I’m eating more than I have in well…forever!  My point?  Stop believing in quick fixes because they don’t work.  Listening to your body, eating the RIGHT types of foods, and learning to love yourself are the keys to not only health and wellness but HAPPINESS as well.  I know it can be overwhelming and if you’re anything like me you want to see results like, meow but consistency and being patient with yourself will give you the long, lasting results you want!  Health is a lifestyle NOT a fad diet.  Stay strong and lift on!  Oh and eat your macro and micro-nutrients :)

 

CrossFit: Don’t Knock it ‘til You Try it

Okay, I’m sure some of you will read the title to this blog and roll your eyes but PLEASE continue reading!  I promise you’ll enjoy it! 

CrossFit is a very misunderstood sport and unfortunately it has received a bad reputation over the years.  I was interested to get another person’s perspective on this topic so I asked owner and head coach Kyle Rochefort from The Fort CrossFit to weigh in on this.  Kyle has been training in CrossFit since 2009 and has been head owner of The Fort since 2010.  “CrossFit has a bad reputation for a few reasons, 1. Owners and coaches are not establishing standards and systems of progressions for all walks of life coming in to the gym, 2. Members letting their ego get in the way of proper movement, and 3. Not following mechanics, consistency and then intensity.”  I would have to absolutely agree with Kyle on this one.  Before I started CrossFit I definitely did my research when deciding what gyms to look at.  I visited 3 gyms in the NH area, talked to the owners, and was able to see a few classes in full swing.  I paid attention to how the coaches were training their classes.  How assertive they were with form and technique. Were they hands on when correcting form?  Or did they just load up people’s bars and encourage them to “just give it a try?” 

Finding the right CrossFit gym is like buying a car.  You would never buy a car without getting the background checks done or without test driving it first, right?  You want to make sure it fits your lifestyle, budget, and of course is comfortable for you.  You wouldn’t run right in the door of the closest dealership and yell “give me whatever you got!”  Heck no!  My point is, that you wouldn’t/shouldn’t do that to the closest CrossFit gym either.  Take your time when deciding and never be afraid to ask questions!  When I sat down with Kyle to talk about my options before joining The Fort he asked me a plethora of questions.  “We have in depth conversations with each and every member coming in the doors about their past; injuries, health issues, current nutrition, lifestyle habits and athletic backgrounds are all covered.”   After discussing my background, nutrition, and goals, he put me through a few different movement screenings to look for imbalances throughout the whole body.  Kyle says, “We as coaches try to help as much as possible but if we cannot, we refer to our Chiropractors or Physical Therapists that we work with.”  If the CrossFit gym you’re looking at doesn’t ask you these types of questions or put you through a few exercises to test your ability, chances are their first priority isn’t your safety.   “We stress mechanics, consistency, and then intensity. Essentially crawl, walk then run. In the long haul, this pattern works so much better. Too much, too soon is a recipe for burn out, injury and quitting. We want fitness to be fun and last a lifetime.” 

If you’re reading this post, maybe you’re curious about CrossFit but you’re nervous to try something so new.   Maybe you’re thinking it’s too intense or you won’t be able to do what everyone else can.  At first I thought that way too, but once I started training at The Fort I realized I was letting my anxiety get the best of me.  Kyle developed a plan for ME and MY goals.  I was in the middle of my prep for my 4^th bodybuilding competition when I began to realize that I was falling out of love with lifting and working out.  I was burnt out and needed a change.  I kept thinking about doing CrossFit but my mind kept saying, “you can’t do what those athletes do!”  However, this is quite untrue!   At The Fort there is a wide variety of ages, skill level, and backgrounds.  Kyle says, “The Fort is made up of people from 12-65 years old. We have a teens class, personal training, and adult group CrossFit. Levels of fitness span from elite to de-conditioned. If a new person embraces The Fort and trusts the process, they will be changed for the better.”  For me and a lot of other’s this is true.  Once you embrace the program you will see changes! 

I thought I was in pretty-decent shape before CrossFit.  I thought my workouts were intense, my weights were heavy, and I could do 30 mins on the stairs like a champ, but I needed and wanted improvement.  I craved change,  and I needed a good ass kicking!  I remember the first time I took a class at The Fort.  We started with 4 sets of dumbbell chest press superset with 4 sets of either heavy lat pulldowns, pull ups, or ring rows.  After that was completed we moved into our endurance portion.  It was a 20 min AMRAP (as many reps as possible) of 5 power cleans, 10 wall balls, 15 push-ups, and 20 calories on the assault bike.  I did it and got 4 full rounds but I was dripping in sweat, out of breath, a little tired but I absolutely loved every single second of it.  The way the training at The Fort and most CrossFit gyms is set-up is a combination of heavy Olympic lifting, gymnastics, and high intensity cardio.  Every day is something a little different but each period is built specifically for one goal.  “CrossFit is a good sport to be a part of because you can constantly challenge yourself across the spectrum of athletics. Weightlifting, gymnastics, running, swimming, throwing, etc are all a part of CrossFit. Even without looking at CrossFit as a sport it still fulfills that competitive aspect that many crave. Just by showing up to The Fort, the adrenaline is going and when "3,2,1 GO!" is called, it is time to work and have fun,” says Kyle.  Besides the physical changes and competitive drive that everyone experiences it’s all about the people you meet and the memories you make. 

Lifting solo is VERY different than lifting with a group of people.  Before CrossFit I trained every day by myself.  Occasionally I would have a friend or workout buddy but it was rare.  Somedays I was motivated and in the zone while other days I struggled to make it to the gym.  Sure there were a lot of people at the gym lifting but we were all doing different workouts and we all had our headphones in.  Sometimes it’s nice to workout solo but the social aspect at The Fort is indescribable.  The music is motivating, everyone is doing the same workout, and the coaches are encouraging.  You could be in the middle of a tough WOD, struggling but then the person next to you says, “Come on, you got this!  Keep going” and it just gives you that extra push.  CrossFit makes me want to be better, not just physically but as a whole, as a person. 

Since joining The Fort I have learned so many new things about myself.  I have ignited this new found fire within me to do more and to try different things.  I have a new mindset and new perspective on life.  I don’t allow my anxiety to dictate what I can and cannot do.  I push myself harder and my self-confidence has grown.  Of course I still have bad body image days or one day I have really high anxiety but those days are few and far between now.  All of my goals used to be very superficial and all I cared about was looking good but now, I want to be strong, I want to be a fierce competitor, I want to inspire others, I want to be the best version of myself that I can be.  If I never joined The Fort I know for a fact I would still be struggling in the gym, I would still be allowing those inner voices to control me, I would still be unhappy. 

I asked Kyle what his favorite client transformation was and he said his mom, Charlene. Charlene is in her mid 50’s and was never a super-star athlete growing up.  She exercised and had a decent diet but she was never truly happy with how she looked.  Charlene decided to join The Fort and really focus on her health.  “She can now do pull ups, she can back squat close to 200 pounds and run without stopping. All of those are important performance goals. More importantly, she looks and feels the best she has ever felt in her entire life. She is genuinely happy.”  Now if that isn’t motivating, I’m not sure what is!  I didn’t write this article to tell you to go sign up at your local CrossFit gym right now, I wrote this article in hopes that it would help some of you.  If you’re feeling stuck, if your workouts have plateaued, if you’re unmotivated, and tired of feeling “blahh” maybe CrossFit is the right choice for you.  I know that for me, it was one of the best decisions I have made in a long time.  Here’s to setting new PR’s and being healthy- mind, body, and soul!  

Stay strong xoxo

Wait...What???

When you hear the words "adrenal gland fatigue" what do you automatically think?  Does anything come to mind?  If you're like me then you'll sit there for a minute with a blank stare on your face and then proceed to say, "wait...what?"  Yeah, that's exactly what I did when I was diagnosed with adrenal gland fatigue.  What's even better?  I was then also told that I was suffering from SIBO.  If by now your head hasn't exploded then you're doing better than I was.  SIBO is short for small intestine bacteria overgrowth.  Cute name right?  But it's actually a very serious problem and many people spend most of their lives suffering through it without actually getting a diagnosis.  Let me back up to about 9 months ago when I really started having health issues.

I was in prep for my 4th bodybuilding competition and was having serious stomach issues.  I was either having ya know... or I was constipated.  I was starving all the time but because of the strict diet and schedule I would usually make myself wait until it was "time to eat again."  So between being hungry, constipated/pooping too much, and being bloated 90% of the time I was not a very happy camper.  Not only did I feel awful physically but mentally as well.  I was self-conscious and stressed out.  I kept telling my family that I was not going to step on stage looking like "this."  To try and counteract the bloating and feelings of being "fat"  I increased cardio to an hour a day, 7 days a week.  I barely slept before all of this started happening but then I was too stressed to sleep.  Not to mention my hormones were all sorts of crazy so I wasn't having normal periods. Basically, I was a mess. A complete and total mess.  

Jump forward to about 2 months ago when I met my awesome cross-fit coach Kyle.  We had just started training together and in between sets he asked, "How are you feeling?"  I felt a little tired, sweaty for sure but I felt alright so I said, "I feel okay."  He looked at me and said "No, seriously, how have you been feeling?"  I kind of laughed and then I thought about all the times I felt bloated, uncomfortable, tired.  All the nights I went to bed double over in pain just praying I would pass out and wake-up a new me.  "Honestly, I haven't felt like myself in over 6 months."  We got into specifics and he told me I should see an adrenal gland specialist.  "Sounds like your hormones are messed up and your body needs food and rest."  I left the gym that night feeling confused and discouraged.  I knew my body wasn't happy with me but if I chose not to compete anymore then I wouldn't know what to do with myself.  I felt like I would lose my purpose in life, and then it hit me.  I wasn't nervous about making an appointment with a specialist, I wasn't nervous to stop competing for a little while, I was nervous to LIVE LIFE.  Let's face it, I went from being an anorexic 13 year old who followed a meal plan from the doctors to jumping straight into the competitive world of bodybuilding and again, following a strict meal plan.  I don't think I ever really let my eating disorder go...I let it hang on for too long.   

I set up an appointment to meet with Jody, a holistic health coach who also specializes in adrenal gland fatigue.  She diagnosed me with adrenal gland fatigue and SIBO.  She saw the look on my face and explained it in layman's terms.  She told me from years of starving myself, of not having regular periods, and over-training - my body had had enough.  My digestion slowed way down so it was hard for me to break down my food and get nutrients which is why I was constipated, bloated, and tired.  She then asked me when the last time I ate to fuel my body.  "When was the last time you intuitively ate?"  I told her I ate quite a lot and up until a few months ago I was fine.  She replied, "that's not what I asked you.  I know you have followed meal plans before but, when was the last time YOU ate because YOU were hungry?"  I sat there and thought about it.  "About 11 years ago."  

My diet as a kid may not have been as clean as it is now but I ate when I was hungry and stopped when I was full.  I ate carbs, protein, fats, veggies, and fruit.  I also ate chocolate, cupcakes, ice cream, and cookies.  I had balance.  I danced 4 nights a week, had soccer 6-7 days a week, and had gymnastics twice a week.  I never had digestion problems (unless I was sick) and I slept like a baby.  So what changed?  My mindset towards food and myself.  Once I turned 13 and began comparing myself to everyone else, it all went downhill.  I felt "fat" so I needed to loose weight.  I needed to go on a diet.  But instead of cutting out some of the junk food, I just cut out everything.  I stopped fueling my body for what it needed to do.  I began monitoring my meals and eating by the clock.  Every 4 hours I would have some veggies or fruit BUT not a minute before 4 hours.  I was relentless.  It didn't change much when I started competing either.  I ate more, a lot more than I did before but I still ate by the clock, would freak out when I didn't eat out of tupperware, and cried when the scale went up.  Sure I felt stronger, more energetic but I still hated my body.  I still punished myself everyday.  

Deciding to take a break from bodybuilding was extremely hard.  I "slept" on it for a long time.  I talked it over with my parents and my friends but in the back of my mind I knew my body needed a break.  I needed to take my health seriously, I needed to listen to my body, and I needed to learn to love myself.  It's been about 3 months since meeting with Jody and training with Kyle and I feel so much better.  I still have bad days, or flare ups but my health has improved immensely.  What's changed?  My mindset.  I'm still eating clean and staying away from foods that hurt my stomach (literally hurts) but now I'm eating when I'm hungry and not when the clock tells me to.  I'm eating to fuel my body so I can get through tough workouts and so I can accomplish all the goals I have for myself.  But in the end...I'm learning to accept myself for who I am and not what the number on the scale says.  I''m still a work in progress but that's okay.  Progress is more important than perfection anyway.  Stay strong & LOVE YOURSELF!

xoxo Torinator

stay on TRACK

On the Right TRACK

Here are a couple tips & tricks I use to stay on track!  I get asked a lot about how I stay so disciplined with my diet & how I make the right choices when it comes to food. So listed below are my tips & tricks!  Enjoy J

1.       Drink lots of water!

Our body needs water for very important bodily functions like digestion, metabolism, bowel movements, temperature regulation etc.

2.       Don’t eat the same thing every day

This is probably the number 1 reason people can’t stick to a diet or meal plan.  They eat the same thing every day, at the same time.  I definitely have staple foods in my diet that I stick to BUT I also incorporate new things.  Eating salad with grilled chicken every day for lunch & dinner will get old & temptation will start to set in.

3.       Change the way you cook your food

Instead of grilling your chicken ALL the time try baking it or using a slow cooker.  Do you do roasted sweet potatoes a lot?  Try boiling them & mashing them!  You can even do this with veggies.  Roasted cauliflower or broccoli with lemon juice…delicious!  Switch up the spices you use, get different types of cooking oils like coconut oil, macadamia nut oil, sesame oil etc. 

4.       Figure out if you’re a volume eater

What does that mean??  Well do you enjoy eating bigger meals or are you more of a snack-er?  For example would you rather load up your plate with lots of veggies, a lean source of protein & a complex carbohydrate OR do you want to eat less at each meal but more frequently?  This can also depend on your work schedule.  Personal trainers, hair dressers, nurses all usually don’t have an hour long break so they might grab a handful of nuts or piece of grilled chicken between clients. 

5.       MEAL PREP

This one is pretty self-explanatory… Pick one or two days a week (depending on your schedule) where you have some time to cook for yourself.  Yes, it takes some time to do, especially when you first start out BUT you get better & better!  What I do is cook all my protein, veggies & carbohydrate sources in one day.  Cut it all up, put it in baggies or tupperware & stick it in the fridge.  If I know I have a really packed few days & won’t be home for hours I’ll pack all my meals the night or day before.  It takes the guess work out of the equation & the temptation to eat a candy bar for lunch.  TRY IT…you won’t regret it J

6.       Listen to YOUR body

If you didn’t notice I really tried to stress the “your.”  EVERYONE is different, I can’t say that enough.  Some people have super-fast metabolisms & are hungry every 2-3 hours.  Other people eat closer to every 4 hours but the point is YOU have to LISTEN.  Hungry?  Eat!  You can never go wrong reaching for a lean protein source & a healthy fat.  Chicken & avocado, a whole egg, steak tip salad with olive oil etc.  Fats don’t make you fat.  Eating an excessive amount of carbohydrates & processed foods do.  But like I said before, your body is special in its own way & knows what it needs so LISTEN TO IT.

7.       Spices

Bland food is boring, use sodium free spices on your chicken, steak & fish.  Add cinnamon to your oatmeal & sweet potatoes.  Hot sauces & mustard are all low calorie so add some SPICE to your life!

8.       Eat every few hours

This is very important to keep your metabolism burning.  Think about it…if you don’t add wood to a fire what happens to it?  It starts to go out.  Your metabolism runs similarly.  If you go 6 hours without eating your metabolism begins to slow down which is not a good thing for calorie burn & digestion.  So my advice eat every 3-4 hours.  I mean if you’re stuffed then don’t eat but every few hours. Again….if you’re hungry eat! 

9.       Eat breakfast…seriously

10. Substitution 
Switch up the ingredients in your favorite “unhealthy” meals.  Love lasagna?  Take out the ricotta cheese & replace it with cottage cheese.  If you want to go SUPER healthy replace the pasta with zucchini slices or eggplant.  Eating healthy can be FUN but sometimes you do have to be creative & think outside the box.

  
11..  Treat yourself

Craving sweets?  A glass of wine or beer?  Have a little bit.  You can still eat the “not-so-good” food you love just NOT every day or every meal.  If you constantly deny yourself & go months eating the same/similar foods then you’re going to start to get the urge to “cheat” & guess what??  That’s normal & part of life!  Eat your broccoli, chicken, sweet potatoes but don’t deny yourself a cookie.  Life is all about BALANCE & MODERATION.  Enjoy it.  Exercise, eat well & LIVE. 

Stay strong & lift on xoxo #torinatortakeover

Competition in the World of Competing

Ever since I was a little kid I have always been competitive.  I always strive to be the best whether it's dance, soccer, running, or bodybuilding.  I have this urgency to be the greatest version of myself and to always be number one.  In a few ways this mindset can be a blessing and a curse.  A blessing in the sense that I never give-up, I never throw in the towel, I never complain about how hard something is because I know I can do better.  However, this mindset can also cause me to take the "fun" out of situations.  For example, going bowling with friends, it may not be a competition but I turn it into one.  If I don't do well, I get extremely frustrated with myself and usually shut down.  I have been competitive since day one and will never stop but one thing I do need to work on is my mindset.

It's definitely not a crime to want to be the best or to be competitive but what I do need to focus on is MYSELF.  What do I mean by that?  Instead of focusing on what other people are doing I need to turn my focus to myself.  I need to stop worrying about how much the other bikini competitors weigh, how much someone can squat, how many calories they are eating versus my meal plan, and most importantly I need to stop worrying about what so-and-so placed at the last competition.  I have the dedication, the persistence, the consistency to make all my dreams come true so whyyy am I worrying so much about other people?!  I know that everyone is different.  Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.  We all have different body types, metabolisms, and workout regimens that work for us specifically so why do I still care so much about what other people are doing around me? 

The world of bodybuilding is competitive, hence why it is called a “competition,” but the truth of the matter is, we are NOT competing against one another.  We are competing against ourselves.  Yes, we all stand on stage next to one another, yes we all get judged and critiqued, and yes one person goes home with a first place trophy BUT it’s not because anyone is better than anyone else.  It’s about how much progress he/she has made since their last competition.  In a world where bodybuilding is not fully understood by outside people it really is important that we all stick together and stand by each other.  Instead of being jealous of someone for getting a sponsorship or becoming an IFBB pro we should celebrate them and their hard-work because we all know how much discipline it takes to get there.  When it is our time to shine, we will.  If becoming a pro bodybuilder is what you want then YOU will succeed.  If you want to be a sponsored athlete, then you will.  If you love it so much there is no chance you won’t make it. 

So the next time you log on to Facebook, scroll through Instagram, or hear through the grape-vine that so-and-so made their dreams come true, instead of getting mad or frustrated with yourself, smile and congratulate them on their success.  Because one of our “own” made it!  Having some competition is healthy, working towards a goal is admirable, but getting annoyed with someone for being who they are…that’s when you know you need to take a step back and reassess one’s mindset.  I have faith that when it is my time to shine, I will do just that, but for right now I will continue to grind and hustle silently.  I will let my hard work speak for itself when the time is right for me.  So a HUGE congratulations to all my fellow competitors for achieving their goals, for busting their butts, and for staying positive when times got tough!  I believe in you, just as much as you believe in me.  Stay strong and lift on!

xoxo Torinator Takeover 

The Dark Side of Social Media

                

I heard something very disturbing the other day and I can’t seem to get it off my mind.  It’s a topic very near and dear to my heart.  Something I have battled with since I was 8 years old…body dysmorphia.  Many of you guys know about my past with anorexia and how it still haunts me today.  This type of illness is something you never get over, but something you just learn to deal with.  You learn coping mechanisms, tools to help silence the voices in your head, ways to find peace among utter chaos.  This seed was planted in my head but what really ignited the fire was social media.  How women are portrayed, the way we are “supposed” to look.  How our bodies must conform to the norms or else we are considered outsiders, ugly, fat. 

I used to spend hours staring into the glossy pages of magazines looking at all of these gorgeous, skinny models.  I would go online and search for pictures of these perfect women to hang on my walls.  They are what I aspired to be.  Now we have many more forms of social media; Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Youtube, Snapchat etc.  There seems to be even more pressure for young women & men to fit these molds that society has picked.  In my opinion, it’s bullshit.  I would like to know who these “people” are that have decided what everyone else has to look like.  Since when is beauty based on how many ribs you can see, what size pants you wear, or what the scale says?!  I am guilty of it too, caring too much about the number and not enough about my health.   But I am making a conscious effort to focus more on being a better person, a happier, healthier me. 

Since there are many more portals for society as a whole to get our hands on, the pressure has multiplied.  Now we can sit on our phones and scroll through until we are completely sucked into this crazy world of social media.  There are now pages dedicated to helping young girls become anorexic or bulimic…really?  Is that what it’s come to?  Instead of self-help pages we now have social media sources telling us step-by-step how to become “sick.”  I am truly disgusted at how messed up this is.  Since when is it okay to create such a movement to tear down people instead of building them back up.  You can create an account and message other people that are interested in becoming anorexic or bulimic and create a “how to” guide.  These pages tell young women & men how many calories to eat a day, how to make themselves sick, and support one another along the way.  This completely baffles me. 

When I was diagnosed I went through years of treatment, met many other girls my age and older who were struggling just like me.  We learned to care about each other and how to fight through the bad days so we could have better ones ahead.   Times have changed drastically since I was 13.  Social media can be a beautiful thing but it can also be our worst nightmare.  If we don’t take action now we are going to create a very harsh, cruel, cold world for future generations.  All of us at some point in our lives have felt unworthy or alone but we are NEVER alone.  There is always someone else who knows what you’re going through or has been in a similar situation.  I was ashamed for a long time about my past.  I thought I was an outcast and people would think poorly of me if I vocalized how I was feeling on the inside but in reality, the exact opposite happened.  I told people how I felt, what I went through, what I was going through and they either embraced me or told me about a close friend or family member who went through the same thing.  I am taking a stand today and everyday to careless about the scale and more about my mental and physical health.  Beauty starts from the inside.  Stay strong my loves… xoxo

Sacrifice

Driving home from New York today I had quite a few hours to think.  I began to think about the course my life has taken, my decisions, my behaviors.  The way things have changed from a few years ago until now, the woman I have become.  I still have so much I want to do and I never want to look back and think, "I could have done more, I could have tried harder."  So with all that being said I want everyone to take a second to really think about this...what are you willing sacrifice?  Whom or what are you willing to make these sacrifices for?

Are you willing to sacrifice sleep, time spent with family or friends, the chance to make money even if you DON'T love what you're doing.  Are you willing to rise before the sun?  Are you willing to sacrifice all that you are now for all that you could become.  If the answer is yes, then do whatever it takes.  If the answer is no, well you should re-evaluate what you care about.  Is there someone or something in your life that you cannot live without?  Is it a lifestyle, a hobby, a place?  Life is all about taking chances.  Life is all about making mistakes but it's also about learning from them and growing.  

I've learned that if something means a lot to you (can't breathe, can't eat, can't live without it) then you will put in the time, put in the effort.  Most of the time you'll do more than what was asked of you.  While I was in prep for New England's back in November I wanted to be the best I could be so I followed my plan, did my fasted cardio, lifted as heavy as I could, and dealt with the hunger pains.  I even did more cardio at times, I practiced my posing routine everyday, but to be honest...I loved every single second of it.  Why?  Because it's my passion, my life, my heartbeat.  It's what keeps me going when I feel like giving up.  I have sacrificed a lot to be where I am today; lost friends, have been told I will never be "somebody" in this sport, I'be picked up extra shifts at work to pay for my supplements and suit.  Even during the toughest days I still wouldn't change anything.  This is exactly where I belong; I've arrived.


It all starts with a dream.  Then comes the plan.  It can be extremely over-whelming to begin at square one and realize you have to get all the way to the finish line.  So my advice to you is start small.  Pick one thing to focus on at a time.  For example, it you want to loose 10 pounds by June then set weekly goals for yourself to reach every time.  It can be simple like lose a pound each week or eat 5 balanced meals a day.  Once you pick your goal, begin your plan.  How are you going to reach this goal? What do you need to do to be successful?  Is it meal prep?  Making it to the gym more often?  Adding in an extra day of cardio?  Or is it completely unrelated to fitness?  Do you need/want to save more money?  Do you want to be more confident?  Stop letting people treat you poorly?  Whatever your goal is, make a plan, and decide what are you willing to sacrifice to be successful.  

It's not easy, it won't always be fun, but if it means something to you, you'll do it.  Everybody wants to be successful, but not everyone is willing to put in the time, make the effort, or make the SACRIFICE.  I've said this before and I'm sure you'll hear me say it again but nothing ever comes easy, you have to do the work in order to reap the benefits.  There are days where I literally have to breathe and count to 10 when I start to get overwhelmed.  My anxiety usually kicks in and even a panic attack if I don't relax.  However, would I change it? Hell no.  If I could take the easy way, skip the obstacles, the detours, the bumps in the road, would I?  Hell no.  Pressure makes diamonds my loves.  Start now, not tomorrow!  Stay strong and lift on!

xoxo me

Strong Foundation

My dad owns his own real estate development company and has been building houses and businesses since he was in his twenties.  He is very successful, extremely hard working, and although he acts like a 5 year old, he has given me some of the best advice of my life.  Since he is a builder at heart he used this metaphor when I came to him for advice about how to stay strong when nothing else seems to be going right.  We were sitting in our front yard, it was mid-spring time and the grass was green, the sun was shining, and we had just finished mulching the yard together.  I had been having problems at school, my anxiety was at an all time high, and I needed his comfort.  "Dad, how do you stay so strong when all you want to do is cry?"  He looked at me and said, "You build a strong foundation."  At first I didn't understand but as I thought about it, it became clear.  One must stand by their morals, listen to their heart, and depend on their loved ones for support.  A building will crumble if the foundation isn't sturdy.

It has taken me YEARS to do my best at coping with my anxiety and my insecurities BUT I still struggle!  It is a daily battle but my dad was right; a strong foundation comes from within and it comes with time.  I can say with certainty and honesty that I would not be here today without the love and constant support from my family.  I have lost some friends along the way but I have met many more during this crazy journey; ones that accept me and my lifestyle.  It hasn't been easy and I'm sure I'll have more detours and bumps in the road but it's just that...a bump.  You will get through it.  I know that right now you feel as though there is NO hope, you have NO faith, and you want nothing more than to give up but each day is a new day.  If you are lucky enough to wake-up every morning, be thankful.  If you are lucky enough to tell your loved ones how much they mean to you, be thankful.  It's the little things in life that mean the most.  

Here are a few things that have helped me become stronger/better:

1. Change your thinking.  This is by far the MOST important tip I could ever give someone.  It isn't always easy but it is a life changer.  A few months ago I was miserable, sullen, angry, depressed but after getting a MUCH needed kick in the ass from someone very close to me, I realized I needed to change my ways or I will look back at my life and think, "I wasted it."  The next time you don't want to go to work, be thankful you have a job.  When you don't want to go to the grocery store or meal prep, be happy you have enough money to buy food.  When you don't want to go to school or study, be happy you have the opportunity to get an education.  Change your thinking and you'll change your life, I guarantee.  

2. Talk.  Express yourself when you are unhappy, upset, angry etc.  No one can read your mind.  If you need help, ask for it.  If you want to vent, do it.  You'll feel much better after you do.  Keeping things bottled up is never good and usually results in a mental breakdown or a verbal explosion (or both)

3. Make goals/to-do lists.  Keep yourself busy and on-track by setting goals and making to-do lists.  I have a million things always going on in my head so I have to write them down on post-its and put them in places I'll see them.  Also, having goals like my bodybuilding competitions or dance recitals help keep me on track when I have those days when I'm feeling unmotivated.  

4. Stay focused.  It's easy to get off track or overwhelmed but if you stay consistent and work on the most important/vital things first you'll feel so much better.  I vow that I will never let "I gave up" to be a part of my vocabulary and you shouldn't either!

Life isn't always sunshine & rainbows.  Unexpected things happen, you make mistakes, you get hurt, and you sometimes get knocked down but in the end it's all about how you stood back up and kept going.  Foundations get cracks but if treated right and strengthened they will hold strong.  If I can do it, so can you!  xoxo

Unspoken

Most of my posts are fitness related or ways to help people get motivated but this time I've decided to share a little bit more about me.  Besides struggling with an Eating Disorder for 6 years I've battled depression and anxiety since I was 3.  I had separation anxiety, death anxiety, and panic attacks.  I've had months where I did nothing but sleep and cry.  I've had days where I don't eat due to my nerves and nothing can snap me out of my "funk."  I was born with this, it's a chemical imbalance and it's something I have to work at everyday.  There are still good days and bad days but for the most part I'm doing much better.  I wanted to share this for a few reasons: 1. I want to share how I deal with my depression and panic attacks 2. I feel as though mental illness and depression are topics no one wants to talk about.  People who suffer from depression are labeled "crazy" when in fact that is untrue 3. I just want people to know that it's okay to be sad and upset.  It's okay to feel damaged or broken.  

I started going to therapy when I was 5 to try and figure out why I was having such a hard time leaving my mom's side.  My preschool and Kindergarten teachers used to have to pry me from my mom's leg as she made a run for the door.  In my head I thought she was going to leave me and never come back.  I thought if I wasn't there to protect her something bad would happen to her.  After overcoming that obstacle I began dealing with death anxiety.  I was terrified to go to sleep at night because I thought I was going to stop breathing.  I thought I would never wake up and be able to see my family again.  So I became an insomniac.  I would stay awake all night, play in my room, organize the spice drawer in the kitchen, clean things, organize my books and clothes, and sometimes sneak down stairs and watch "Grease."  I didn't feel safe unless someone was pressed up against me holding me; to make sure I was still breathing. 

Soon panic attacks kicked in and it all began spiraling out of control.  I was 13 when I had my first full blown panic attack.  It was awful.  Indescribable; the type of fear that washes over you.  Not being able to calm down or control yourself.  Your mind racing full speed, your heart pounding in your chest, you feel as though you can't breathe.  Completely immersed in the anxiety, drowning in your own fears.  Panic attacks became apart of my daily routine for about 2 years.  No lie, I had about 10 to 13 panic attacks a day.  I cried in class, didn't eat, and the only time I slept was when my mom gave me Benadryl.  My therapists suggested I start taking medication but I was scared.  I didn't want to be dependent on it for the rest of my life.  I didn't want to live my life in a fog but I finally gave in.  I couldn't spend the rest of my life being too scared to live it.  I continued therapy and slowly became better at opening up about my feelings and my thoughts.  My dad was a huge help because he too struggled with depression and anxiety.  He told me I wasn't crazy, I was normal but my brain worked differently then other's.  Being different is never a bad thing, you just have to learn how to accept it, embrace it. and work with it.

For me some of the biggest things that helped me when I was having a really hard time were:

1. Writing in my journal and working on my poetry.  I love to write and it's a great way for me to get everything out.  Sometimes saying things out loud is hard for me so writing them down is easier.  I can say whatever I want on paper and just let go!  I don't have to worry about what people will think because my journal is MY journal.

2. Music.  Listening to music always calms me down.  I pick songs that "speak" to me or that make me want to get up and dance.  Songs that bring back good memories and make me smile instantly with just hearing them.

3. Exercise.  Oye this is a HUGE one for me!  Even on the days where I want to just sleep forever I make myself get out of bed and get my ass to the gym or to dance.  It's proven that exercise and just moving around produce endorphin's which are the feel good chemical in our brains.  Even if I just go to the gym for an hour or punch the bag...it helps SO much.  Get moving!

4. Some people aren't big into therapy (I'm not really either) but for others it helps tremendously.  It's really hard for me to open up about things but I know I can always talk to my family because let's be honest...they're stuck with my crazy ass haha.  But seriously, talking does help.  Even if you just vent for a few minuets, try it!

5. Distractions like movies or my favorite TV shows help take my mind of whatever I'm worrying about for a little while.  Other distractions for me are going for drives, walks outside in the spring/summer, drawing (even though I suck), and hanging out with my family and friends.

6. Prayer.  I wasn't brought up religious, never really went to church (a few times) but once I found God and allowed him to be in my life amazing things started happening.  I put it in his hands and asked for his guidance, for his help, and for his unconditional love.  I trust him and his plans for me.  Everything happens for a reason.  Let him work.

7. Okay this one might be kinda weird for some but I LOVE cleaning and organizing when I'm anxious.  It helps me unwind and I always feel so much better when I de-clutter my room/home and my mind.

Depression is common, more common than you think.  It's real, it's not a joke, and it's NOT something people can turn off.  Trust me, anyone who struggles with this wishes with their entire being they could shut it off whenever they wanted or make it disappear but we can't.  We can work at challenging our thoughts, staying positive as much as possible, and doing our best everyday.  Don't be ashamed of your struggles, don't be embarrassed, and never be sorry.  Remember it's okay to not be okay sometimes.  The best thing you can do is work through it, find the good things, and breathe.  Stay strong my loves xoxo