Love Yourself

Body acceptance is a very difficult challenge for a lot of us.  We always criticize what we see in the mirror, never satisfied with the reflection staring back at us.  I spent years hating my body.  I used to stare at myself in the mirror before I took a shower at night and tear myself apart.  I never felt comfortable in my own skin.  I was constantly comparing myself to others.  I thought the only way to accept my body and feel confident was to fit the standards of beauty.  I thought that if I squeezed myself into a pair of zero jeans then I would FINALLY be confident enough to wear a bikini in public; then I would finally feel good enough.  The funny thing is, no matter how much weight I lost, no matter what size jeans I wore, and no matter how many people told me I was too skinny...I never once loved my body.  There was always something else that I needed to fix; another flaw that was taunting me in the mirror.  What I've come to realize is it doesn't matter what number the scale says or what size jeans you wear; what matters is your outlook and learning to silence those negative voices in your head.  It's taken me 8 years, 5 treatments centers, 22 pounds, and buckets of tears to finally realize I am beautiful just the way I am and guess what?  So are YOU.

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I LOVEEEEE my body now and I never have bad body image days because that is bullpoop!  Of course I do but the difference now is that I know how to tell those negative voices to STFU!  I'm still uncomfortable in shorts and I still have days where I wish it was acceptable to wear moo moos in public (it will never be acceptable) but I am much happier now than I was when I weighed 89 pounds and was a double zero. 

 This bulking season has been challenging both physically and mentally.  At first I was terrified to eat more and I didn't want to follow my meal plan because that went against everything I had been doing before!  I kept telling my coach that I just wanted to be jacked, shredded, and lean and she looked at me and said "how do you think you're going to get bigger muscles if you don't fuel your body?  I want you to stop viewing food as bad and start viewing it as necessary fuel."  She was right.  Food isn't the enemy!  Food is good and damn is it tasty! (get in my belly).  I kept showing her pictures of Michelle Davis, Melody Decena Wyatt, Dana Linn Bailey, and Ashley Hoffmann with their shredded abs and killer quads and she pointed out to me that being competition ready year round isn't healthy!  We cut calories, eat very little carbs, and a lot of times deplete our water intake to look that shredded and vascular.  I've realized that I need to start accepting my body at every stage; the bulking, the leaning out, and the "stage ready" look because my body is MINE!  I need to accept that I'm not going to be jacked little Tori all the time, especially when I want to get stronger and gain more muscle mass.  I'm starting to realize that fluffy Tori is just as good : ) 

To finish off my ramble I just want to touch on a few quick but VERY important topics: 

1. Patience!  I am the worst offender when it comes to being patient with my body but it's the only way to tell if what we are doing is working right?!  I've heard a lot of people say things like "I'm not seeing results and I've been exercises for two weeks..."  Well there's your problem!  You will see results but it takes a while to get there! 

2. Be kind to yourself!  My mom said this to me one day and it's stayed with me ever since.  It was when I was in the midst of a downward spiral and I was refusing to eat.  She was trying to encourage me and I just sat there sullenly looking down at my hands.  She said "You are the most compassionate and caring person I have ever met so I don't understand how you can be this mean to yourself.  Would you be this mean to one of your friends?"  I was taken back, of course I would never ridicule one of my friends or make them inferior just because of their body.  So even though you may get frustrated with yourself and your body, always remember that you only have ONE so take care of it!  

3. There is more to beauty than looks!  I don't care how hot you are, how big your biceps are, or how bootylicious your butt is if you're mean, rude, or insensitive then I am NOT going to give you the time of day because like TLC says.."I don't want no scrub."  People may admire your six pack and drool over your quads or leave comments on your back picture like "damn baby got back" but if you're a straight up mean person no one is going to want to put up with that shizzz!  Let's think about it, how many people say things like "she had such a hot body" at a funeral....pretty sure no one.  People remember others for how they treated them and how they made them feel not how much they could bench press.  So moral of the story be nice!  

I know it may be hard at times to tell those negative voices to shut up but I promise they aren't worth your time.  You are more than a number on the scale, you are more than a pant size.  You are unique and perfect in your own weird little way so embrace it!  There is only one you so do it up!  I hope this helps you in your journey towards better health : ) LIFT ON!