Body Shaming

Since when did it become “okay” to talk about someone else’s body?

 

Whether you are telling someone they are too skinny, too fat, too curvy or too muscular, it can all be hurtful.  I think it’s never “okay” or “accepted” to state your opinion about something so personal unless specifically asked.  I’m not writing to tell anyone they have to look a certain way because TRUST me, I know how it feels to be told I’m too much of everything.

In middle school I was teased for having big legs.  I played a lot of sports, especially dance, soccer & gymnastics so I naturally carried most of my muscle in my legs.  I used to hate wearing shorts or bathing suits because I was afraid someone would say something mean.   In high school I was Anorexic & every day I was told I was too skinny.  I can remember countless times hearing people say I looked “disgusting & deathly.”  In my late teens I began bodybuilding & put on some muscle.  In my most recent off season I was 130lbs, the heaviest I have ever been in my life.  Not only was I extremely self-conscious & highly uncomfortable at this weight, but hearing that I looked “fat”… well that just hurt. 

It used to make me laugh (kind of) when people would comment on how thin I was or how big my thighs were.   It was like they were telling me something I didn’t know.  It was as if they thought I never lived a day in my own skin.  You don’t have to tell someone how they look because they KNOW.  Pointing it out just makes them feel worse about themselves & makes you look like, well…a dick.

My mom taught me & my sister this when we were little, “if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all.”  Life lesson number one, treat others the way you would want to be treated!

Be kind & stay strong

xo  

Addiction

Addiction comes in many forms, drugs, alcohol, Anorexia, Bulimia, and over eating.  It’s a powerful grasp on your life.  It doesn’t really hit you that you’re playing with overdose or death until one day it happens.  This is a topic that is really close to my heart not only because of my addiction story but because of the many people in my life that have battled with it; some have overcome & some have lost.  I want to bring awareness to this topic so that people who are struggling know how serious it is.  I want to educate people who are having a difficult time understanding addiction.  All in all, I just want to help.

I didn’t plan on having Anorexia.  I didn’t wake up one morning & announce “I want to be Anorexic.”  For as long as I can remember I have always had a bad relationship with my body.  I have always felt a little out of place, a little different.  Growing up I played a lot of sport so I had more muscle than most of my friends.  I was taller & bigger than a lot of girls my age & that automatically made me feel weird.  Both of my Aunts on my dad’s side had Anorexia & Bulimia so maybe it was a little bit hereditary but honestly, I think it has more to do with the way I thought & viewed myself as a person.  It was my black & white thinking that really took a toll on me. 

I fought constantly with my parents.  I hated going home because I knew all we would do was scream at each other.  My house was like a war zone.  I felt like no one understood me & that was scary to me.  Friends & family would pressure me to get help, to stop being Anorexic.  If it were that easy to just stop…I would have a long time ago but, addiction is a scary & dangerous thing.  I was terrified of leaving behind my Eating Disorder because I forgot how to be “normal.”  I forgot what it was like to be genuinely happy, to eat functionally, to exercise because I wanted to not because I felt I had to. 

It’s true when people say the only way to get over addiction is to come to this decision on your own.  No one can force you do it not matter how many times they beg you to stop, no matter how many times they cry or bribe you to get help.   It took my Uncle 15 years to finally decide he needed to give up alcohol & go to his first AA meeting.  It took me 6 years before I finally said “enough is enough.”  For some, like me, treatment didn’t help.  I went to 3 inpatient programs, did outpatient programs 4 times before I was kicked out & sat through countless hours of therapy but I was stubborn & sneaky.  I said what they wanted me to, I pretended I was “cured” just so I could get out & go right back to my old ways.  I spent 90 days in Arizona away from my family & friends.  I had a feeding tube stuffed up my nose & I wasn’t allowed to exercise or call home.  I was isolated with a house full of other girls who were struggling just as much as I was.  Instead of motivating me to get better, it made me more determined to lose even more weight.  Typical treatment didn’t work for me because I despised being told what to do.  I rebelled every single time & honestly, I think it made my Eating Disorder stronger. 

I finally came to the decision to get help when it was MY idea.  I didn’t do it because my parents told me to or because the doctors told me I was going to die.  I realized the way I was living was no way to live.  I contemplated suicide many, many times just so I could end the pain but I got a dope slap one day & I never looked back.  I’m not saying treatment doesn’t work, because for many people it does, but what I am saying is it has to be the person’s OWN decision.  They can’t be forced into it because I can tell you right now, it won’t last.  Addiction is nothing to joke about, it’s not something that can be cured overnight & for many people the demons are always in the back of their minds.  It’s a choice every day to stay sober or to stay on the recovery path.  Certain things trigger these thoughts or behaviors but it’s up to them to stay on the straight & narrow.  If you know someone who is dealing with addiction be there for them.  I know it’s hard to understand but just being there when they need you is enough.  Don’t get mad at them, don’t yell at them or punish them because this type of mental battle is punishment enough.  Be their rock, be positive & most importantly stay strong. 

I am here to help!  Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me!  My email is tbachfitness@gmail.com

xoxo me  

Dope Slap

We all get caught up in our own world, our own problems, and our own minds. Sometimes we are so overwhelmed with what is going in our lives we begin to dwell and stress.  The past week I have definitely been feeling more stress, anxiety, and pressure.  I’m making some life changes that are exciting but scary too!  I’m going back to school for the first time in 2 years so I’m a little anxious that I won’t quite be in tip-top academic shape.  I’m also having a “flare up” of my SIBO/adrenal gland fatigue which has been frustrating & painful at times.  My Eating Disorder is fighting pretty hard for me to get back into my old habits and return to that life.  So far I’ve been pretty good at ignoring those voices and thoughts.  It has been tempting but I’ve worked very hard to be where I am today and I don’t want to jeopardize that.

I’ll be honest, I feel silly stressing over things like this when I hear about families who recently lost loved ones, people who are battling cancer, little kids who are being bullied at school, soldiers who are away at war…this is what I call getting a “dope slap.”  I think this is the Universe’s way of telling me to stop dwelling and start being thankful for all the things I do have.  I am very lucky to have two loving parents who support me with no questions asked, an older sister that makes my world complete, two wonderful jobs that I absolutely love, the opportunity to go back to school when some people have never had the option to ever go to school, and my health.  I am able to wake up every morning with the ability to LIVE.  I am able to see every sunrise and sunset.  I’m able to breathe, run, laugh and play.  Today and every day I am grateful.  Stay strong

xoxo me

Anxiety

Anxiety is defined as, “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.”  This is a basic definition and to be honest it does nothing to describe the mental, emotional and physical side effects.  Everyone has anxiety, everyone worries, but we all deal with it differently.  Some people can take a few deep breaths and calm themselves down, other people need to talk or journal so they can get those toxic thoughts out, and others need more help than that.  Ever since I was a kid I have dealt with anxiety and depression.  It started when I was very young and it has continued throughout the years.  I worry about different things but I’ve come to the realization that all of my anxiety is caused by one thing…my lack of self-confidence. 

My anxiety is kind of like a chameleon, it morphs into something new but the root is the same.  Everything I worry about is all caused by my lack of self-love and self-confidence.  I worry constantly about not being good enough and not being liked or respected.  I worry about what people think and how they view me.  I have panic attacks of being a failure and of not making others proud.  It takes me forever to fall asleep at night because my mind is busy working over time thinking about all the things I still haven’t accomplished, all the things I want to do.  I spend so much time worrying about if other people like me and not enough time on me liking me. 

These past few weeks have been hard.  I haven’t been able to sleep, my appetite has been all over the place, and I’ve been having panic attacks.  It felt like I was starting to fall back into old patterns.  I was having negative thoughts and my thinking was not healthy.  It felt like I was falling down the rabbit hole again.  The only good thing about having anxiety (sometimes) is you have some time to reflect and to think.  And here is what I came up with…

1. I know that I am a work in progress and that it takes time to make changes to my mind and my body so when I say this, I mean it, I’m in no rush.  I’m enjoying this process of becoming the young woman I’m supposed to be.  I have flaws, imperfections, and silly quirks but it’s time I start accepting them and stop running from them.

2. We all make mistakes, usually on a regular basis, but it’s okay!  The only thing you can do is TRY YOUR BEST!  I’m trying really really hard to remember that and get it through my stubborn, thick skull but I’m working on it. 

3. Be thankful for the little moments, the little wins.  Not everything is going to go your way but you can always control your thinking.

I know this is all easier said than done.  I know it’s not going to happen overnight and I know you’ll have mess ups, melt downs, and bad days but I also know that you can do this.  I can do this.  I can overcome anxiety and I can control my thoughts.  It just takes the first step…trying.  Stay strong

xo me